Toxic shame, which is often rooted in rooted in childhood, sprouts a distorted belief system that tells us we are intrinsically bad or not good enough. Toxic shame penetrates our identity and creates an actualised self-perception that is warped and destructive to our well being. Those who grapple with this feeling often harbour a persistent belief that they are inadequate or unworthy. This negative self-assessment can trigger a range of detrimental behaviours, including procrastination and perfectionism, which can hinder personal and professional development
The Cycle of Shame
When we experience toxic shame, we may withdraw from life and what it has to offer for fear of failure or judgment. This withdrawal can manifest as procrastination, where tasks are delayed as a means of avoidance. The thought of not meeting certain standards becomes paralysing, leading to a cycle of avoidance that only reinforces our feelings of inadequacy.
Perfectionism, another common response to toxic shame, can compel us to set unrealistically high expectations of ourselves. This drive for flawless results often stems from a desire to prove our worth and escape the feelings of shame. However, this pursuit is counterproductive, often leading to burnout and disappointment when striving for impossible expectations.
Signs of toxic shame.
Toxic shame manifests itself in many forms such as:
• Harsh Self-Judgment: we can be harsh to ourselves, a strong inner critic.
• Discomfort in Receiving Compliments: extreme discomfort in accepting our achievements.
• Self-Sabotage: we may purposely pass up opportunities that feel right out of fear of failing.
• Fear of Abandonment: A deep-seated fear of being abandoned may become overwhelming.
• Imposter Syndrome: A pervasive belief that we are not deserving or incapable.
• Sense of Worthlessness: we often grapple with feelings of inadequacy.
• Concern for External Opinions: a pervasive worry about how we are perceived by others.
• Fear of Appearing Foolish: this fear can inhibit us from expressing ourselves.
• Perfectionism as a Defence: we may respond to the fear of failure by striving for perfection.
• Anger as a Reaction: shame triggers can elicit anger, which may be directed inward or outward.
How Toxic Shame Starts
Toxic shame can often be rooted in formative years and can come from:
• Emotional Neglect or Criticism: Frequent criticism from caregivers or partners effects self-esteem.
• Trauma or Abuse: if we have experienced trauma we may internalise shame within ourselves.
• Unrealistic Standards: Expecting to meet standards that are impossible to attain.
How it can show up
The repercussions of toxic shame can manifest in a variety of ways, often contributing to a cycle of negative feelings and behaviours. Some of the common symptoms include:
• Low Self-Esteem: we may struggle with self-worth, leading to pervasive feelings of inadequacy.
• Depression: Persistent shame can contribute to feelings of hopelessness and sadness.
• Anxiety: The fear of judgment or rejection can heighten anxiety levels.
• Sleep Disturbances: This may include both oversleeping and insomnia
• Gastrointestinal Issues: stomach pain due to the body's stress response.
• Addiction or Eating Disorders: we may turn to alcohol or drugs as a means of coping.
• Codependency: we seek validation from others to combat their feelings of shame.
Recognising these symptoms is crucial for addressing the underlying issues related to toxic shame. Understanding its impact can pave the way for healthier coping mechanisms and support systems.
How to Heal from Toxic Shame
• Support: Seeking professional help can be key
• Development of Self Compassion: This is the antidote to shame.
• Challenge Negative Beliefs: Actively questioning and reframing our unhealthy beliefs
• Investigate the Roots of Thoughts: Understanding the origins of these messages provides insight
• Define Our Personal Values: Clarify what matters most to us personally and nuturing them
• Establishing a Network of Supportive Individuals: Having a network of people we can talk to.
Toxic shame can have a profound impact on our life; however, healing is possible with the right resources and approaches. The first step in healing and re-establishing a more accurate self-image is to understand where it comes from and what it looks like.
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